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The emptiness

June 2, 2010

Hubby and I recently went through another round of IVF.  As a bit of history, we’ve had a cancelled round (OHSS and a 3-day stay in the hospital), an FET, 1 unsuccessful IVF, a cancelled FET (none survived the thaw), 2 rounds of IVF that ended in miscarriage, then our precious daughter was conceived through IVF. Oh, and there were three surgeries in there too. We’ve been trying since ’97 and with an RE since ’00. Sometimes it’s easier to just say it was our 8th attempt…

Have I mentioned that I’m 40?

We didn’t tell anyone this time,  but we were so confident. Our last round in ’07 worked, things looked great, why would this one be any different? We had the formula after all. Two days before my beta I started spotting.  I’d heard it before, but they again told me it might mean nothing.  The beta was 133.8. Yes, it meant I was pregnant, but my 2 miscarriages were at 111 and 303, and the only success was at 620.  I did 2 doubling betas and my numbers looked good. Still spotting. Had a 7w u/s and saw a heartbeat – strong at 110bpm, but the embryo was delayed, it was measuring 5 days behind. The u/s also revealed that I had a subchorionic haematoma – not good. It was small, about 4.5mL, but given that it was discovered very early, and my age, and…well I wasn’t comforted. But we waited another 2 weeks for the next u/s. During that time I had several days without spotting, and quite frankly, several days of hope.

And then my dreams were crushed. As soon as the tech put the wand to my belly I knew we’d lost the baby. No heartbeat. Nothing. Hubby started crying right away, and the tech was crying too. I was just numb. To make matters that much less pleasant, I’m suffering a ‘missed miscarriage’. The baby died but my body doesn’t know it yet. I have three lovely options; waiting it out, taking medication to induce the miscarriage or a D&C. I, as I did the first time, elected for option one, followed by two if needed.

It has taken me a week to write about it because I just can’t. I can’t get my head around all the emotions and thoughts racing around. I cannot face the reality that I will never carry another baby. Now don’t get me wrong, I would try again in a heartbeat. I would try 20 more times if we needed to. But we’re just out. We’re out of time, out of money, out of hope.

Hubby and I have  been holding on to quite a few items that are required for an infant, and while we knew this decision point would come, it breaks my heart that disposing of them is the answer. We’d been looking for a bigger home. I’d been making plans for my all my sewing stash. I’d been tracking the embryo growth at Visible Embryo.

I think it is additionally hard this time over the other m/c’s as we did not know what to expect before. We had hope, but we didn’t have the reality. To know what we had and lost this time is almost unbearable. Hell, I burst into tears while walking the dogs last week because a neighbour left their stroller at their front door. I’ve apparently been in a bubble, because I just found out Celine is expecting twins. And while one side of me is happy that it *can* happen for someone with an AMA and a long history of IVF, the other side of me wants to scream and rage at our situation.

Tomorrow is my first day back in the office. I am lucky enough to be able to work from home, which has just been so much easier than having to face anyone. So much easier than having to get dressed. Or bathe or care. Hopefully I’ll be able to pull off at least 2 of those tomorrow.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. August 11, 2010 2:45 pm

    Ugh. I hate it so much. My heart goes out to you.

  2. Adele permalink
    February 17, 2011 3:24 pm

    Sweetie, I do appreciate what you are saying here. I refused to let any of my baby stuff go until after mine was 7 years old. It still bites, believe me, when I hear people talking of teenagers having babies. Thing is, trying to conceive and carry a baby becomes so all consuming that one no longer has a balanced life. But you can’t help it. You can’t escape it. It’s your body, and you live there, and there is really no relief.
    Sending hugs because they are always good to have on hand.

    • neeroc permalink*
      February 20, 2011 10:23 pm

      Thanks so much Adele. It really does consume you.

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