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Simple pants is all I really need

August 16, 2010

When I go to the bathroom operation undo pants kicks in. Operation undo pants‘ main goal is to drop trou before moving on to the next phase. Reasonable task, fairly simple and often successful. It most often involves the execution of an unbutton as required (maybe an inside catch if they’re fancy pants, but more often than not that one will either be broken off or left undone) and an unzip. Once bathroom busininess (aka operation potty) is complete I begin operation assemble pants. (It should be noted at this point that both operations are often executed without any conscious effort) Operation assemble pants has two critical components – zip and button. Both components are in the singular rather than plural form for a total of two actions. Any deviation may bring about undesired results. It should also be noted that execution of operation assemble pants is in no way related to any actions previously taken in operation undo pants.

These pants require a lot of deviation from standard operation assemble pants.

They often result in a total breakdown of operation assemble pants. I wouldn’t mind so much if the breakdown happened, say, on the inside button, or maybe on the middle outer button. A button and a zip would make me happy. That’s what is called for, and what was committed to. Unfortunately operation assemble pants is consistently foiled by the quadruple button and rarely completes the zip. Somehow these pants exhaust my ability to correctly install them on my body and must be dealt with accordingly.

I think that once I deal with the pants in an appropriate manner I’ll also need to deal with the designer of these embarrassment-inducing atrocities.  I haven’t yet determined what is appropriate for said designer, do I cut all the zippers out of their pants? Or perhaps sewing buttons larger than the button holes on all their pants would do the trick? Maybe sewing up the button-holes on their shirts is appropriate in this case? Or is the answer a simple ‘kick me’ sticker placed on their back?

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