That which I won’t think about too much

Of all the things I didn’t want to hear Thursday, D&C had to be top of my list.

Guess what I heard?

I took the information and catalogued it as ‘something that must be done’. It is the next logical step on the path back to normalcy and it also leaves any possibility open for the future (even if my husband doesn’t). This is how I deal with all infertility-related steps, procedures and news. I will do whatever it takes to move closer to that goal.

When I give myself an introspective moment, I’ll admit that I’m pretty freaked out by this. It might seem odd, coming from someone who’s had an emergency appendectomy, laparoscopies, egg retrievals (nothing invasive about a needle poked into your ovaries!), embryo transfers and a C-section, but this is really invasive to me.

And it’s invasive mentally as well as physically. I mean, I know there is no embryo or fetus there. I know. But still there will be dilation and extraction. How is it that I can’t even do this on my own? How is it that my body is so broken that I can’t even miscarry in a normal fashion? And forget miscarry, what about deal with the missed miscarriage.  Instead of my body knowing, my cervix needs to be pried open and the contents dealt with by tubes and suction and scraping. The cold, clinical end to the miscarriage that just won’t end. The miscarriage that I thought I’ve been moving on from since June.

Now I wait for the doctor to find a colleague who has OR time and can do this for me. Neither my doctor nor any of the others at his clinic have any time in their schedules for the next two weeks. So this will be performed by strangers. This is something I agreed to, I just don’t want to think about it that much either.