Like a bag of hammers

This week has come down on me like a bag of hammers. I’ve written a poorly constructed venting inventory of each of the hammers in that bag, and I doubt it will ever see the light of day. Each of the elements may spawn a post of their own in the future, but for now that little festering post is all mine. Instead, I present this poorly constructed…pledge?

Things have to change in my life. I’m starting to become exhausted just by my day-to-day routine, and at the same time withdrawing from those I consider friends and by extension, doing less. It’s far too easy for me to say my day is too hard or too long, and I avoid finding a fitness routine, or the time to do my hobbies. I’m sure a great deal of the malaise is a lingering affect of the miscarriage, D&C and their emotional toll. I’ve suffered from clinical depression in the past, and the withdrawal and the exhaustion are warning signs for me. But there’s more than that, a perfect storm if you will of work is hard, parenting is hard and life is hard. (all of which I fully get are 1st world problems and may cause many to go ‘wah, boo hoo’)

Time with V is important, but so is time for me. I shouldn’t feel guilty leaving her in the capable hands of my husband. And on that note, I think it’s time we find other hands to leave her in. She will be three in December and she has never been babysat by non-family. There are only so many times we can call on my sister and two sisters in law.

I need to find time to exercise. With lame old Sasha, walking the dogs, even if there are days I do it twice a day doesn’t count. It’s still an hour out of my day, but not an hour exercising. There are activities like running that I enjoy and need to put serious effort in to. I want to do a 10K this year, but the thought of getting up at 4am to run makes me want to pull a pillow over my head and cry. Running at night is no good, I’d be up for hours (believe me, I know this). But I want to do it, so I need to work it in. Perish the thought, but maybe I don’t stay up to midnight every night reading blogs and tweeting. Just putting it out there.

Then when I least expect it, I get the urge to go back to my parttime studies so that I can finally finish off the longest running degree ever. But ya, that’s going to have to wait until my brain and I are in the same place, and V won’t draw on all my books and papers. I honestly don’t know how you edumacated moms did school/work/family.

I need to reconnect with my knitters and my girlie-poker group and my nutty highschool friends. I’ve made tentative steps  to meet blogging moms with Kids in the Capital, hitting their meetup at Cannamore Orchard for a brief fly-by with hubby, hopefully there will be future events that I can partake in. I saw tweets of possible meetups and messages about once a month cooking, so there are tonnes of interesting things out there, I just have to get off my butt and do them!

I also need to admit I can’t do everything. Works demands are ramping up. The ethical hackers descend on us in less than a month. I can’t make myself feel worse about myself while trying to make it better. Pacing is the key. Yes it’s cool that I’m finding other Ottawa mom bloggers. No I won’t be able to meet with them all the time. No I won’t be able to do all the cool things they do, but yes, I should strive to do some of them. I should also strive to fold all my laundry and put it away, and we know how that goes.

Breathe and goodnight.