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This is not going to end well.

January 6, 2011

My husband is a joker. He’s always been a joker, and he thinks it’s endearing. I think it’s something he needs to work on. What? It’s only been 21 years, I was *sure* he was going to change.

What kind of joker? Well probably a prankster more than joker. He’ll hide and then scare the bejesus out of you. He once scared me so badly that I honestly jumped straight in the air, kicked my legs out and landed flat on my ass. And promptly started crying. I’m not sure where in our evolutionary history that particular move was a requirement, but somebody’s ancestor thought it was a great defense when presented with a witch’s cackle, right beside your ear, in a dark hallway.

They’re not all just spur of the moment either. Our old roommate once discovered a mannequin head in the freezer. Said head, from the cosmetology department of his school, looked suspiciously like me. I’m not sure Rick’s ever recovered. He’s the guy that is endlessly amused by honking the horn when you walk in front of his car.

He’s climbed on the roof of a building to dump a garbage pail full of water onto someone. He’s thrown icecubes in a cold (commercial) deepfryer to surprise the cooks when they’re fired up the next morning. He’s hollowed out a raw carrot to fill it with hot peppers! You get the picture.

I could go on, but rehashing them might give him new ideas. Or make him nostalgic, and these all occurred in the era commonly known as ‘pre-youtube’. Threats of violence and bodily harm have for the most part curbed his enthusiasm for scaring the crap out of me, and I consider this a ‘life is good phase’. Unfortunately he’s discovered a TV show called Pranked and I have returned to a state of high alert. Warning signs are there, and it ain’t going to be pretty. Recently he wandered into the bathroom (while I was showering – must remember to lock that door) and I overheard him muttering about flour. Have you heard of ‘antiquing‘? This would not amuse me.
Last night as V and I were running around like idiots, I caught him in the process of stringing clear packing tape across an open doorway. At about the level of my forehead. I wonder what his escape plan was because he should know by now it’ll take more than packing tape to restrain me .

Youtube or news at 11, only one of us is going to win, but either way there’s going to be some film about this.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. Gary Champagne permalink
    January 6, 2011 10:57 pm

    Somebody’s gonna get hurt real bad! Suggestion – have a pre-planned fake trauma response ready….eyes rolled back, seizure type. Curbs the behaviour pretty well 😉

    • neeroc permalink*
      January 6, 2011 11:11 pm

      That was nearly the title of this post. and I always hear Russell Peters when I see it.

      • January 7, 2011 1:13 pm

        Ah Russel Peters! Love it! My husband and I repeatedly call eachother Xobele! He even joked that we should have called our son Joel! (he’s got a click in his name!)

  2. Deb permalink
    January 7, 2011 7:41 am

    I could not help but laugh at the visuals you put into my head. There was also a very loud snort!
    I used to work with somebody who got a thrill out of scaring me – constantly, so I sort of feel your pain. Although I am not sure what I would do if it was my husband. Good luck! Hopefully you both survive!

  3. January 7, 2011 9:18 am

    Escape the madness! Come to girlie poker on Tuesday 😉

    • neeroc permalink*
      January 7, 2011 12:01 pm

      I might be kinda afraid to leave the house. I mean doesn’t that give him time to plot? *g*

  4. January 7, 2011 12:12 pm

    File divorce papers – they could be real, or fake. Your choice. Or kick him square in the junk?

    • neeroc permalink*
      January 7, 2011 10:56 pm

      Fake divorce papers. I like it!

  5. January 7, 2011 1:14 pm

    I don’t know how you do it! I would be living in a state of constant terror, wondering when the next prank will happen. Now question, have you ever been able to successfully prank him back before?

    • neeroc permalink*
      January 7, 2011 10:55 pm

      I thought I’d threatened enough bodily harm that I was safe, but it seems that he’s been recently ‘inspired’.
      As for the pranking back, I can’t think of any big wins. He’s horrible at being surprised, he’s got this punch first reflex (seriously) so you’ve got to carefully plan for distance pranking.

  6. January 8, 2011 5:22 pm

    Well, at least things aren’t hum drum around your place, right? I, myself, take joy is scaring the pants off of people around my house.

    Thanks for visiting The Jason Show today! I’ll see you soon.

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