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Vampires and zombies don’t scare me like JK parents do

May 13, 2011

Ladies and gentlemen I’ve been to kindergarten and I’ve seen the crazy.

– We’ll set aside the fact that hubby forgot to mention that tonight was orientation night at V’s new school.
– And the fact that he himself forgot until 1/2 hour before we were supposed to be there.

We arrived late (stellar start to V’s academic career), toddler (who was missing her bedtime) in tow. Mommy may or may not have been out gardening slightly prior to arrival and as such may have had weeds and sticks in her hair.

At least now you know which family we are.

Speaking of academic careers, here’s where the crazy started. After the presentation to the group we were directed to the classrooms where we could view ‘REAL! LIVE! TEACHERS!’
The parents I’m used to hanging with? Much more laid-back crowd. Or maybe they hide their crazy. Either way, the tension in the air, the glint in their eyes had me wondering what the hell we were plunging V in to. Parents of children starting kindergarten are NUTS. They actually raced to the room and jostled for better position.

I would have expected this to be a ‘here is our art station and please make sure your kid doesn’t pee their pants’ tour. Instead the teachers fielded questions such as:

What are the end of year academic expectations’
‘What educational milestones are you expecting to reach this year’
– Interesting to note they weren’t asking what their kid should already know, it was what are you going to do for me.

‘How do you determine which child is placed in which class’ – Teachers made a fatal mistake here when they mentioned there is one blended JK/SK class. You could actually see the eagerness in the parent’s posture as they leaned forward to find the secret to landing their special snowflakes in their rightfully deserved, more advanced class. And you know they were looking up the information on the appeals process.

Also interesting –

What is your punishment process‘ – Um, weird? In what situation? Punishment not correction? Do you have a problem child or should I read that as how do you handle it when someone does something I don’t like to my precious?

How do I volunteer for the classroom?‘ – When the teachers explained that they couldn’t until at least November to allow the children to become accustomed to being in school and not just latch on to the parent as soon as they arrived, the parent then asked if they could volunteer in another classroom instead. No lady, stay home until they want you. Oy.

Here I was hoping to see the circle time rug and playground, to find out if V needed to know how to zip her jacket and write her name before September and instead I listened to parents who want to reroute buses so their children don’t travel too far. And yes, I heard those parents gasp when they were informed that the school only declares it too cold for outside play at -25C (that’s with windchill). They also sounded none too pleased when it was confirmed that if they don’t go outside to play they will remain in the same classroom…there are portables on site people, do you think there’s an abundance of empty rooms?

At one point an, ‘oh crap’ may have escaped my lips, slightly louder than anticipated. I did not realize that I needed to monitor everything the school did this year or V’s chances of getting to uni were in peril. Ya, that’s what I meant.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. May 14, 2011 11:46 pm

    Academic expectations? WTF?? These are the people who torture their miserable spawn with “teach your newborn calculus”, I bet.

    V is gonna rule over all those pansies!

  2. May 15, 2011 8:04 am

    Oh man, that’s hilarious and frightening. We went to our youngest’s JK orientation a few weeks back and it seemed much more relaxed, but maybe because this is my third one through I didn’t pay enough attention. Now I’m worried – have I already blown my older two’s career chances by letting them fool around in kindergarten and (GAH!!!) not making sure they could write their own names before grade 1?

  3. May 15, 2011 9:39 pm

    Too funny…I think at our girls’ school the teachers spend almost as much time managing the parents as they do the children. And then the fundraising expectations start. Oy is right.

  4. May 15, 2011 10:16 pm

    Excellent. Now I know what I have to look forward to. Do you think if I snort too loudly/often then the other mummies will tell their children to stay away from mine? Maybe it would be better if I stay away. Perhaps see if there’s a twitter-party option.

  5. May 16, 2011 4:14 pm

    bwahahaha! i know what parents you are talking about because my friend was at that same session and had the exact same comments! we are obviously neighbours. i thought i recognized the DQ sign from your post last week.

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